healingdiscoveries

Expecting a Miracle

Here is a picture of a miracle.  Waiting and trusting God to complete him were part of the normal process of that wondrous event–his birth.  When Liam was born he was a complete and total person, with a personality and character traits.  All that is to be added is size, learning,  and lots of love.

I am in the process of learning to expect a miracle not only for my body’s healing but for the whole me.  Just like the birth process, there is a lot of waiting and some pain involved.  Today I had a CT guided biopsy of an abdominal lymph node.  It went well.  The results will tell me whether I am fighting just breast cancer alone or an additional cancer also.

In contrast to Liam, the goal for me now is not to add but to take away from my person.  Things have become a part of me which are not meant to be there.  The usual treatment is to cut, or burn with x rays or chemicals until those added parts are not there anymore.

Is that a miracle?  Yes, I believe it is, of a sort.  However, the miracle I would choose would not include those cancer treatments.  It would involve God’s touch as the Great Physician and a falling away of the cancer cells.

Interestingly, this is what has happened with my heart, soul and spirit.  It has not been pain free, but there has been a process of weeding in my life through Elijah House ministry.  Just as I need removal in my body, I need it in the rest of me.  This process is part of maturing or sanctification.   I have given you glimpses into this process by sharing about specific weeds and the process of inviting God to cultivate my heart.

My view now is that just as I expect God to accomplish those changes in me so that I can produce good fruit, I look forward to his miracles in my body.  I believe that God can remove cancer cells in the lymph nodes and that he will.  If this biopsy is negative, it will be a miracle.

Crying Out vs. Whining-from October 16, 2008

Lee and I have been big fans of James Dobson.  He and others have taught about women’s needs and how they differ from men’s.  One of Lee and my standard jokes is that he has used up all his words by the time he gets home.  However,  I still have thousands left.

In my cancer adventure, I have been very verbal.  It has been therapeutic for me.

Unfortunately this past week I saw some verbal bad fruit exhibited in a pattern in my life.  It seemed that things came out of my mouth that were either inappropriate or whining.  In looking for the root of this, I found through prayer and listening to the Holy Spirit that I had a long term habit of whining going back to my earliest memories.  It worked for me. My family catered to me.

Now, I choose to repent of that sin. Once again I  renounce the lie that it is all about me.  I ask forgiveness for whining and, paradoxically, for judging others of the same thing.

Another thing I saw through another friend’s transparent sharing is that relationships have become a mini- god to me (even more so as I go through this cancer journey).  As a friend pointed out, “It is fine to cry out, but cry out to God not people.”

So I repent of putting relationships up there where only God should be.  God is my primary need and he will give me all else.

This is not to negate the necessity for community.  David had Jonathan and his mighty men.  Moses had Aaron.  Jesus sent his disciples out in twos.  Even Jesus had his three close companions who shared at a deeper level that all others.  We need each other.

This is the part that I am learning.  There are things that should only be shared with God.  He loves honesty and helps us to see ourselves through His eyes through our complete openness with Him.  When we are whining to God He can help us to change the whining to a respectful, honest, heart- cry.

There are the people in our inner circle who deeply care and want to share our burdens and let us share theirs.  Amazingly, there is a whole community of believers who are called to pray even for those that they don’t know.  They do this in response to the Holy Spirit’s prompting.

I have felt for a while that I am dumping information on many who may not be called to be part of my adventure.  My solution is to keep up my therapeutic “using up my words” in my blog.  I will be happy to add anyone to the announce list to let you know when I add a medical update in the blog.  I don’t plan on sending more email medical updates.  But I thank you all for your faithful prayers and love.  It is a gift that I will always treasure.

Joy in All Circumstances

16Be joyful always; 17pray continually; 18give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thes. 5: 16-18
This verse is one with which I always had problems.  How can you give thanks for tragedies in life?  How can you be joyful always?
Cancer has helped me to understand this better.  It seems to me now that hard things in our lives can be soil for growth.  Looking back on my odyssey, the steps that God helped me to take in moving higher and deeper seem clear now.
Oddly enough these needs for growth were never apparent until I chose to let God deal with my willful blindness.  This sounds simple, but justification that I was okay and did not need help has been my major modus operandi.
What this has meant in practical terms is that I would feel or hear what I deemed as criticism from wise and loving people.  I would go through a time of rationalizing why I was right and they were wrong.  Finally, I would reach a stage where willingness to ask God would arise.  Then through Elijah House type ministry God would gently show me my sin.  With repentance and prayer as well as support from Christians, healing would occur.
Then I could look back and see that another step forward was taken.  Freedom penetrated to another level.
In the Sept. 27th and 29th blogs on inner healing, I described one step of many in this journey.  Basically. this journey started from a place of abject terror of being separated from God (after my nightmare of dying and going to Hell).  It progressed gradually to places of less fear and finally to peace.  These were all in response to other people’s vision of bad fruit in my life.  With prayer and willingness to change, it gave permission to God to heal at a deep and life changing level.
Here is a devotional from Oswald Chambers that I feel further illustrates this type of change.

THE BENT OF REGENERATION

When it pleased God . . to reveal His Son in me.

Galatians 1:15,16

http://www.SearchGodsWord.org/desk/?query=ga+1:15,16&sr=1

If Jesus Christ is to regenerate me, what is the problem He is up
against? I have a heredity I had no say in; I am not holy, nor likely
to be; and if all Jesus Christ can do is to tell me I must he holy,
His teaching plants despair. But if Jesus Christ is a Regenerator,
One Who can put into me His own heredity of holiness, then I begin to
see what He is driving at when He says that I have to be holy.
Redemption means that Jesus Christ can put into any man the
hereditary disposition that was in Himself, and all the standards He
gives are based on that disposition: His teaching is for the life He
puts in. The moral transaction on my part is agreement with God’s
verdict on sin in the Cross of Jesus Christ.

The New Testament teaching about regeneration is that when a man is
struck by a sense of need, God will put the Holy Spirit into his
spirit, and his personal spirit will be energized by the Spirit of
the Son of God, “until Christ be formed in you.” The moral miracle of
Redemption is that God can put into me a new disposition whereby I
can live a totally new life. When I reach the frontier of need and
know my limitations, Jesus says – “Blessed are you.” But I have to
get there. God cannot put into me, a responsible moral being, the
disposition that was in Jesus Christ unless I am conscious I need it.

Just as the disposition of sin entered into the human race by one
man, so the Holy Spirit entered the human race by another Man; and
Redemption means that I can be delivered from the heredity of sin and
through Jesus Christ can receive an unsullied heredity, viz., the
Holy Spirit.

Whereas being thankful for hard things may seem impossible,  one can always be glad for the sprouts of development that come from tragedies.  Choosing life and freedom also means embracing growth wherever it has opportunity to spring up.

Becoming Like Little Children-from October 14, 2008

Did you ever watch a very small child with his mother or father?  He makes small forays then rushes back for hugs and kisses.  His world is in a very small radius around the center of his life–his parent.

Having cancer has made me live more like that.  I feel adventurous  and brave as long as I can feel God’s presence close by.

Living with active cancer makes the need to feel God nearby more acute.  I have known now for one month and fifteen days that I have active cancer in four new sites in the breasts.  The unknown quantity in the abdomen is obviously suspected of being a new cancer.   I cannot seem to get past the waiting game to get on with treatment.

What can God want me to gain from this waiting?  It may possibly be giving time for the alternative medicine program I am doing (Hulda Clark’s) to help me.  There may be huge spiritual lessons in this. (i.e. learning to wait upon the Lord, learning to trust in God and not man, learning to hear my Father’s voice and stay close.)

Waiting does not come easily to me.  I made an emotional call to Dr. M. today and said “I cannot keep waiting.  Please either release me for the mastectomies or come up with a plan.”  Of course, this was to a voicemail which will go through his nurse first.  So even this call has a component of waiting.

In my quiet time today, I read about Jesus being the light.  This said to me again that the crucial thing is staying in that tight little circle like a toddler.  If you stray too far from Jesus and his light, it becomes scary, dark, and desperate.

So I go to Jesus for my hugs.  I lay my head on his chest and hear his heartbeat.  I receive my tender words and tender touches so that I can go back out on my adventures feeling his presence right behind me.

Please Jesus, keep me close.  Keep me in the light.  Help me to trust you for all the details of my care.  Help me always to have my ears tuned for the sound of your voice.  Give me joy in each childish step.  Let this be all about you Lord all the way.  And about your child loving your presence more than anything.

Standing on the Promises

16Be joyful always; 17pray continually; 18give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thes. 5: 16-18
This verse is one with which I always had problems.  How can you give thanks for tragedies in life?  How can you be joyful always?
Cancer has helped me to understand this better.  It seems to me now that hard things in our lives can be soil for growth.  Looking back on my odyssey, the steps that God helped me to take in moving higher and deeper seem clear now.
Oddly enough these needs for growth were never apparent until I chose to let God deal with my willful blindness.  This sounds simple, but justification that I was okay and did not need help has been my major modus operandi.
What this has meant in practical terms is that I would feel or hear what I deemed as criticism from wise and loving people.  I would go through a time of rationalizing why I was right and they were wrong.  Finally, I would reach a stage where willingness to ask God would arise.  Then through Elijah House type ministry God would gently show me my sin.  With repentance and prayer as well as support from Christians, healing would occur.
Then I could look back and see that another step forward was taken.  Freedom penetrated to another level.
In the Sept. 27th and 29th blogs on inner healing, I described one step of many in this journey.  Basically. this journey started from a place of abject terror of being separated from God (after my nightmare of dying and going to Hell).  It progressed gradually to places of less fear and finally to peace.  These were all in response to other people’s vision of bad fruit in my life.  With prayer and willingness to change, it gave permission to God to heal at a deep and life changing level.
Here is a devotional from Oswald Chambers that I feel further illustrates this type of change.

THE BENT OF REGENERATION

When it pleased God . . to reveal His Son in me.

Galatians 1:15,16

http://www.SearchGodsWord.org/desk/?query=ga+1:15,16&sr=1

If Jesus Christ is to regenerate me, what is the problem He is up
against? I have a heredity I had no say in; I am not holy, nor likely
to be; and if all Jesus Christ can do is to tell me I must he holy,
His teaching plants despair. But if Jesus Christ is a Regenerator,
One Who can put into me His own heredity of holiness, then I begin to
see what He is driving at when He says that I have to be holy.
Redemption means that Jesus Christ can put into any man the
hereditary disposition that was in Himself, and all the standards He
gives are based on that disposition: His teaching is for the life He
puts in. The moral transaction on my part is agreement with God’s
verdict on sin in the Cross of Jesus Christ.

The New Testament teaching about regeneration is that when a man is
struck by a sense of need, God will put the Holy Spirit into his
spirit, and his personal spirit will be energized by the Spirit of
the Son of God, “until Christ be formed in you.” The moral miracle of
Redemption is that God can put into me a new disposition whereby I
can live a totally new life. When I reach the frontier of need and
know my limitations, Jesus says – “Blessed are you.” But I have to
get there. God cannot put into me, a responsible moral being, the
disposition that was in Jesus Christ unless I am conscious I need it.

Just as the disposition of sin entered into the human race by one
man, so the Holy Spirit entered the human race by another Man; and
Redemption means that I can be delivered from the heredity of sin and
through Jesus Christ can receive an unsullied heredity, viz., the
Holy Spirit.

Whereas being thankful for hard things may seem impossible,  one can always be glad for the sprouts of development that come from tragedies.  Choosing life and freedom also means embracing growth wherever it has opportunity to spring up.

Sincere

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sincere

“An oft repeated etymology proposes that “sincere” derived from the Latin sine = “without”, cera = “wax”. According to this explanation, dishonest sculptors in Rome or Greece would cover flaws in their work with wax to deceive the viewer. The Oxford English Dictionary, however, deflates this charming etymology, sadly informing “There is no probability in the old explanation from sine cera ‘without wax’”. Instead, the OED explains “sincere” actually derives from the Latin sincerus meaning “clean, pure, sound.” According to the American Heritage Dictionary, http://www.bartleby.com/61/roots/IE223.html, the Latin word “sincerus” is derived from the Indo-European roots “sem” and “ker,” generating an underlying meaning “of one growth,” hence “pure, clean.” Wax has nothing to do with it.”

Sincere is an interesting word.  Personally I choose to believe that it ‘s etymology has to do with “sine cera” (without wax).  But the “pure, clean, and sound”from sincerus works just as well in making my point.

Part of my cancer discoveries have to do with this concept of learning to be transparent and honest with myself, God and others.  It has become my desire to be ”without wax” or “sound and clean”.  I have addressed this struggle as far as mental and spiritual purity in previous blogs.  I have also delved into this subject before on a clean diet level.  (Truthfully, I have lapsed back into a couple of chocolate binges with some of my latest cancer news.  I am thinking chocolate may be an exception in the clean diet plan.)

As a girly girl, this “without wax” idea has been a challenge in the physical realm for me as well.  I love make up, hair color, jewelry, clothes that hide my flaws and add help where I need it.  In other words, I like to add wax like the dishonest sculptors.

From my point of view, none of this would be a problem if it were not for health concerns.  I don’t consider these girly things to be a moral issue.

However, all of these feminine joys could be contributing to health problems.  Bra wearing constricts flow of the lymphatic system and may be a causative factor for breast cancer.  Tight garments generally may be associated with a variety of health issues.

Hair color (even the vegetable based one that I use) has chemicals which are harmful through absorption.  Lotions, make up, shampoo, soap,or any product  we use on our skin are also loaded with potentially harmful chemicals.  Look at the ingredients in baby shampoo and soap. And think of cleaning products.  We use them without a thought and expect our bodies to deal with all of the chemicals and toxins that are absorbed through the skin or possibly through our respiratory tract from spray products.

Another possible source of contamination which I have had pointed out to me recently is the jewelry we wear.  Even the purest of metals is going to have some alloy and who is to say these are non reactive and not absorbed through our skin.  Even pure gold and silver may have detrimental effects.

And of course there is water.  Bottled water according to some studies is not all the same quality.  And there is the question also of what storage plastics are doing to our food and beverages.

I think the answer to these potential harms is to return to the sincere or pure and sound life as much as possible.  We need to rethink body image so that tight clothing, bras, and constriction are not the norm.  Women need to feel beautiful without shape altering garments. The idea that a woman is not modestly dressed without a bra needs to be left behind.  If the thought of having saggy breasts is a deterrent to going braless, then think about having no breasts at all because of breast cancer.  Which is more attractive?

Hair color leaves me in a quandary.  I am struggling with vanity on that one.

Burt’s Bees products make a great alternative to other make up.  Their ingredients are really good.  I use their lip gloss on my lips and as blush.  For moisturizer I have been using castor oil on still damp skin.  It is heavy but it dries so that it does not rub off on your clothes.

For body, hair, and general cleaning a friend has educated me to use borax.  I now use it as shampoo, body soap, and housecleaning agent.   It works fine for me.

Jewelry wearing is another one I have not resolved.  I have compromised so that I only wear it on very special occasions then take it off.

Water is a controversial topic.  Even filtered water may not be as safe as possible.  After all of my cancer adventures, I am now drinking Evian which has tested to be the best.

My husband pointed out that I sound European in these ideas.  This statement further demonstrates how cultural all of this is.  We need to establish cultural habits that go along with healthy habits.

We are not helpless sheep–we can get out of these boxes of cultural expectations.  We can be beautiful and healthy.  We just need to rewrite what beauty is and to stop doing things just because culture dictates it.

Peace

Lee was awake during the night thinking of all that is happening.  It has pretty much been body blow after body blow in this cancer journey since the mammogram on August 27.  When I woke up, I told him that I have this all consuming knowledge that everything will be fine.  Don’t ask me what that means–I don’t know.

When my dad went through a terrible ordeal after his intestines were cut during a heart bypass, it reached a crescendo on Easter morning.  The infection from the fecal material throughout his abdominal and chest cavity had reached to his breastbone.  The sternum had to be surgically removed and his left pectoral muscle was detached at the tendon and rolled up and placed where the breastbone had been to protect his heart.  When it reached this point, I was in despair.  In the meantime my brothers, Rick and Gary, had gone the opposite route from lack of hope to the certainty that it would be fine. ( I actually don’t remember where Bill weighed in on the issue, but he is always pretty calm.)

It was fine.  Dad lived many more great years and managed fine without a sternum.

The point is that I have gone in this journey from fear, to worry, to mild anxiety.  Now when it is most illogical I feel this perfect peace and the knowledge that it will be fine.  It will be fine!