It is Sunday night. Tomorrow I expect the news of the lymphoma testing on my abdominal biopsy. It feels like there is a crossroads sign showing an upcoming turnoff in life. (By the way, it was a chocolate weekend, and yes, I am a little chubbier than when you last saw me.)
It feels like a point in my life where I need to recap what has gone before. (Yes, blogging is my therapy. Feel free to give feedback of any kind at any time. I do take it seriously.)
There have been good days and bad days in this journey–days of being carried in God’s arms, and days of walking in my own strength. I have shared it all so you have observed my temper tantrums, my pessimism, my fears, as well as my growing trust in God and increasing certainty of His love for me.
I have heard feedback that I am sharing too much, as well as reactions to my using the D word, death ( Please note in relation to that word, my heart is overflowing with hope for God’s healing touch to work in me). It has come to me that each of you who share my blog are on a journey with me. We know that we will all share the common element of suffering at sometime and in some way. Eventually we will all die. Those subjects touch on basic fears that we also share together. So as I go through this, in a sense you go through it also.
So, I am offering two things at this crossroads in my journey. The first thing I offer is freedom to give feedback, ask questions, or discuss your reactions or fears in response to my adventure. You do not have to pull punches, avoid certain words or treat me as if I am fragile. Treat me like a normal person going through a tough time. Don’t protect me or be afraid to talk openly and honestly with me. I have had 2 years to adjust to this and all kinds of help from God in learning to see this as a gift and a basis for joy. (Don’t get me wrong. I will gladly get off of this journey and be healed at any time, please God.)
The second thing I am offering, on the night before I know what direction my life will turn, is a summary of my gleanings. Lee and I just watched a Louie Giglio DVD which was given to us.
It is amazing that the main two points which he gave in his talk on dealing with trouble were the two great lessons that God imprinted on my heart.
These lessons actually came through Elijah House ministry but I would not have been ripe to receive them if the cancer had not prepared my heart. Lesson 1 : God really, really, really loves me. He died for my sins and his arms are always open to me. He will welcome me when my time on earth is done and I will never ever be separated from him for any reason. This is a lesson I learned as a youth but I can tell you that until this past July of 2008, that was only head and not heart knowledge. This is the most valuable gift I have been given since coming to know Jesus and it is so foundational now that I can rest in it for eternity. I want everyone to have this same absolute heart knowledge and I know that it only comes through the cross. I will be happy to have no holds barred discussions on this subject with anyone. kathymclaugh53@gmailcom
The second great lesson (which I have actually already observed is going to require constant reminders to keep it foremost in my mind) is this: it is all about God, and not about me. That may seem so obvious to all of you but believe me, this was a lesson I needed. Actually, I think it is a lesson which I constantly need. Tied together in this great new basis for thinking and acting are some related concepts. God is in charge and He is trustworthy even when it does not appear so. God is always good and works for the good of those who belong to Him. I am for God’s purposes, He is not for mine. And lastly even though it is all about Him, he never closes his arms to me. I can always go to Him and climb into his arms even though He is running the universe. Wow!